I was named for a disciple And my parents had such hopes That I'd grow up to be a good man And live up to the name they chose It's funny how things never go exactly as we plan Fate twists our best intentions I don't pretend to understand It's so easy to find comfort Writing lists of who's to blame But in the end I know it's all my fault I ended up this way Lists of phobias run longer, now Than I can bare to tell 'Cuz I know that they'll be haunting me For eternity in hell So won't you bury me in an unmarked grave So my demons never find me where I lay Or just burn me up 'til there's nothing left to take 'Cuz the Devil, he's just counting down the days I am searching for new symptoms And the cures to medicate Just one good excuse for self-abuse I know it's much too late For me to turn it all around And leave madness behind Call the doctors and the priests But they can't change a made up mind This bottle's half-way empty Clearing cobwebs from my head I used to find some comfort Knowing one day, I'd be dead But tortured souls still haunt my attic And I'm becoming one of them I know exactly where I'm going I just can't tell you where I've been

The bus never showed up It left me pacing at the stop Tapping my foot and keeping time To a movement that has passed me by And the clouds are just an empty threat To dampen up my cigarette To chill me to the bone To break my spirit, send me home Worse for the try But we won't live to see another day like today And tomorrow will bring troubles of it's own And the time we have together Is too precious to waste And a lifetime is too long to be alone This guitar's falling apart I'm holding ashes in my hands I've got the Devil on my shoulder And I plead with him to try to understand Two sweaters in Los Angeles There's no blood left in my fingertips Every bottle has run dry I am too paralyzed to try to meet demands There is a rich man up the street Snug in his mansion in the sky He keeps his rifle steady, loaded Guards his secrets He is terrified And we wish we could be him Behind our barricades of lies And watch the world pass through a window See how dead the grass is on the other side

I'm tryin' to reconcile The differences between Who I am And who I was And who I wished that I could be Boil it all down to a list of pros and cons And hope it means I'm better off Draw the line right down the center Separating shades of grey Find identifying factors Clear the rest out of the way Or bring an arsenal of mantras Mass-produced to keep us quiet Keep us calm I can't recall a time when I ever was content Now I realize the fault was all my own And now I am exhausted And I wish that I could find my way back home It's getting harder to deny The photographic evidence I didn't know that I could smile that wide In blissful innocence It's so different from the grin That I now forge upon my face Like a signature that clearly is a fake Now I consider my reflection Someone I don't recognize Skin and bones in worker's clothes Yellow teeth And tired eyes A nostalgic, sentimental fool Losing his mind in his own wake I silenced my own pulse Took the pictures off the wall And convinced myself I'm better off alone But now I am exhausted And I wish that I could find my way back home I was looking too far forward What I thought was still ahead? And I never once stopped to appreciate I would do most anything to try again But I know it's much too late And I can't recall a time when I ever was content Now I realize the fault was all my own And now I am exhausted And I wish that I could find my way back home

I swear to God, I fuckin' hate this place I punch the clock and watch it tick my life away So when I leave here I'm never coming back again I used to dream of a life more free But that doesn't seem to be the plan fate had for me Though I still feel like I am young And I catch a glimpse of freedom Every now and then I still have music coursing through my veins And a handfull of friends who make me feel the same As I did when I was young And didn't give a fuck if I ever found my way Maybe only fools are dreamers, after all Maybe I should have given up Settled down And gone to school But I still seem to get by Just fine on minimum wage The familiar taste of cigarettes is in my lungs I've got some whiskey in my coffee I still know how to have fun I just don't ever want to be forced to act my age And if time makes fools of us all Then maybe this can be my wake-up call To wipe the sleep out of my eyes Start to live before I die